Real Me

Sometimes it is hard for me to open myself up to others and let people in. I act like I have it all together and that everything is fine. I suppress my emotions and keep everything pushed down and locked up tight, for fear of what would happen if I actually let my guard down. So I appear to be strong and have life all figured out but that is not the truth. If you look deep into my heart, to the parts that are under lock and key, you would find someone who is broken, weak, and frail. You would find a person who doesn't always have the energy to be happy all the time, a person who's life has at times taken it's toll.

In the times in which I believe that I have to keep everything inside and not ask anyone for help are the exact times when I do need to say "I'm really struggling, could you pray for me?"
I have learned over this past semester how important it is to ask for help, not just from others but most importantly from God. God will keep me strong and will give me the strength to carry on. He fills the painful ache in my heart with love and grace. He sees the real me and does not judge me. He will always take care of me.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 describes how in my weaknesses God makes me strong.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness.'

Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

God will lift me up in my hardships and give me the strength to carry on. Also amidst the tough times He teaches me a lesson and allows my faith to grow. He knows exactly what I'm going through and He sees the real me.

The Real Me

"Foolish heart looks like we're here again,
same old game of plastic smile don't let anybody in.

Hiding my heartache, will this glass house break.

How much will they take before I'm empty.

Do I let it show?

Does anybody know?

But you see the real me.

Hiding in my skin, broken from within.

Unveil me completely.

I'm loosening my grasp,

there's no need to mask my frailty

cause you see,

the real me.

Painted on,

Life behind a mask.

Self-inflicted circus clown

I'm tired of the song and dance.

Living a charade,

always on parade.

What a mess I've made of my existence.

But you love me even now,

and still I see somehow.

But you see the real me.

Hiding in my skin, broken from within

Unveil me completely.

I'm loosening my grasp

there's no need to mask my frailty.

Oh, cause you see the real me.

Wonderful, beautiful is what you see when you look at me.

You're turning the tattered fabric of my life into a perfect tapestry.

Oh, I just wanna be me.

I wanna be me.

But you see the real me.

Hiding in my skin, broken from within.

Unveil me completely.

I'm loosening my grasp,

there's not way to mask my frailty.

Oh, cause you see the real me,

and you love me just as I am.
Wonderful beautiful is what you see when you look at me."~Natalie Grant

Plan

I'm one of those people who has always had a plan or some idea where I wanted to go. For example when I was in Kindergarten I could not wait to be in 5th grade because in 5th grade I could play the flute and babysit. As I grew I started planning my future, deciding what career I would have and where I wanted to live.

When I started college I knew that I wanted to be a child life specialist and work with families and children in the hospital setting. I think that is still what I want to do but I'm not positive anymore. This scares me but has made me realize that I need to trust God and rely on him. He has great plans for me. I just need to be open and listen for the direction that He wants me to take on this great journey of life.

Even though I do not know where I'm going, I can reflect on the passions that God has created my heart to have. I absolutely love children, they are so innocent and look at the world with fresh eyes. They are honest (sometimes brutally) and have such interesting perspectives. They bring great joy to my life and lift my spirits. I also love people. I love working with them, being a listening ear, and just helping out in any way that I can.

God will lead me down the right path and will always be right by my side. Even though not knowing future plans is scary, it is comforting to know that He will be right there with you, every step of the way.

"The pathway is broken.

And the signs are unclear.

And I don't know the reason why you brought me here.

Is it just because you love me the way that you do.

I'm gonna walk through the valley if you want me to.

Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step.

And I'm clinging to the promise, you're not through with me yet.

So if all of these trials bring me closer to you.

Then I will go through the fire if you want me to.

It may not be the way I would've chosen.

When you lead me through a world that's not my home.

But you never said it would be easy.

You only said I'd never go alone.

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself.

And I can't hear you answer my cries for help.

I'll remember the suffering your love put you through.

And I will go through the valley if you want me to."

Change

The past couple of days I have been experiencing a deep ache in my heart. The pain that my body experiences can really wear me down and make me forget how very blessed I am.

I have been so wrapped up in my own problems that I have forgotten to put other's first and value them above myself.

I stumbled across this passage last week and then we read it in church again today.

It is Philippians 2:3-4.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not to your own interests, but also to the interest of others."

These verses really made me realize that I need to focus on others and care more about their lives than my own. Even though I can become overwhelmed with life there are people who are living in far worse conditions and have many more problems than I do.

The message tonight focused on how we cannot love people unless we can see them. To see them we must put or interests aside and reach out to them and show them love and kindness.

I have recently experienced this love and kindness from a wonderful community. They continually encourage me through my difficult situations and are always there for me when I need a listening ear. I appreciate all of the support from these wonderful friends. I would like to reach out to people and show them God's love in the same way that has been given to me.

Changed

"...But how can I show you that I'm grateful.

You've been so generous to me.

How can I worship more than singing.

And live out redemption's melody.

I have been blessed,

Now I want to be a blessing.

I have been loved

Now I want to bring love.

I've been invited, I want to share the invitation.

I have been changed to bring change to bring change..."

Broken

We don't always understand why God let's things happen. People always say that the obstacles God puts in our lives makes us stronger, which is encouraging but what if you're one of those people who keeps getting knocked down by these obstacles. What if you're a person who feels like you finally get a breath of air and then you're pulled back down in the undertow and cannot breath?

Sometimes I feel like I finally get up on my feet and then I'm continuously knocked back down. I know that God is right there beside me helping me back to my feet, but why can't he hold me up so I don't fall? Why can't he heal my pain? I do not always understand his ways and why he does things in certain ways.

I know though that he has a plan for me and that all things will work out in the end. I know that he is a loving and caring God, I just need to remind myself of this when the world is a confusing place and feels as if it is falling apart.

An encouraging aspect that I often reflect on is that someday I will be in a place where I will not experience any pain or suffering. A perfect place where I can fully worship my Lord and Savior and remain safe in his arms.

Tania's Prayer by Stephanie Seefeldt:

"I haven't got the strength today,
to reach out and take your hand.
But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that you are holding me in your embrace,
tenaciously and desperately and tenderly you're singing to my soul.

Trust me child.
You will not be forsaken.
Trust me child though your world be torn and shaken.
Know me child,
in my obedient holy son.
And when you do not know the way God leads,
you will know your God.

Like the prodigal returning to the father he once known.
Like the widow offering to him the best of all she owned.
Like the prisoner who is clinging to the hope he cannot see.
And like the woman scorned by all and shamed only wanting to be free.

Trust me child.
You will not be forsaken.
Trust me child though your world be torn and shaken.
Know me child,
in my obedient holy son.
And when you do not know the way God leads you will know your God.
And when you do not know the way God leads you will know your God."

Overwhelmed by Kindness

Today I did something that I do not usually do, I asked for help and prayers from others. The response that I got from this prayer request totally overwhelmed me. I had not expected the support, love, and encouragement that I would receive. I am very blessed to be able to be part of a community that really loves and cares about others.

God works in many mysterious ways and things are always on his time. If I had followed my plan for this year I never would have returned to College Age Ministry and I would have never received this loving community. He amazes me with the people that he has put in my life that have pushed me and continue to push me to step out there and take a chance. I do not know where I would be today without his endless love and wonderful friends.

The reason I asked for prayer today is because I am having a medical procedure done tomorrow and I just don't know what they are going to find out and I need to remember to trust God and not lose hope in him. He will carry me and keep me strong. He loves me and will never forsake me. When I suffer he is right there beside me.

A song that has brought encouragement to me to day is "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless.

"Everybody falls sometimes.

Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes and make a new beginning.

Anyone can feel the ache, think it's more than you can take.

But you're stronger, stronger than you know.

Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining.

Gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining.

I've seen dreams that move the mountains.

Hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling.

I've seen miracles just happen.

Silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new.

That's what faith can do..."

Safe

Throughout my life I have stumbled across many obstacles. These obstacles make me either grab on tight to God or push me away. I struggle with periods of constant pain from my Crohn's disease and never knowing when my next flare-up will strike takes it's toll on me.

I recently went on a retreat with my college age ministry and this retreat focused on identity. This topic really helped me refocus on God and my faith. I often get caught up in my school work and health problems that I forget that God is in control and that he has a plan for my life. I may not understand what is going on but he will always lead me in the right direction and will provide me with strength and hope.

After a weekend filled with discussions and worship I felt a peace that I had not felt in a very long time. Someone told me that I will not always have all the answers of why these things are happening to me and why my body fails me so often, but that God is in control and he has a plan. He will take care of and will provide me with strength and hope when I feel like I cannot carry on. When I suffer he is right there next to me, comforting me with his endless love.

A passage that we focused on at the retreat is Psalms 139.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me.

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar.

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely.

O Lord.

You hem me in -behind and before;

You have laid your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

Where can I flee from your prescence?

I go up to the heavens, you are there;

I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

even the darkness will not be dark to you;

the night will shine like the day,

for darkness is as light to you.

For you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

Were I to count them,

they would outnumber the grains of sand.

When I awake,

I am still with you...

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way of everlasting."

This last part of the Psalm is what I am going to try and focus on. I want God to lead me in the way that he would like and I need to trust him completely. I need to trust that he has the best intentions for me and that he is always by my side.

I focus on songs during the difficult chapters of my life. The song that has really connected me to God and given me hope is Safe by Phil Wickham.

"To the one whose dreams have fallen all apart.

And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart.

I can tell by your eyes that you think you're on your own.

But you're not alone.

Have you heard of the one who can call the raging sea?

Give sight to the blind pull the lame up to their feet.

With a love so strong he'll never let you go.

No you're not alone.

You will be safe in his arms.

You will be safe in his arms.

Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart.

This is the promise he made.

He will be with you always.

When everything is falling apart you will be safe in his arms."

God has blessed me with many things. Wonderful family and friends who offer support and encouragement everyday and the chance for me to live my life for him.