Little Blueberry

Today Precious One, if things had gone the way I had planned, today would be your birthday.

Our hearts broke when the doctor said at our eight week appointment, "I can't find the heartbeat, I'm so sorry". The nurse, tried but not so discreetly, took the birthing packet away. We were rushed to the hospital to confirm that your heart had stopped, but on the way out I asked the nurse for this beautiful picture of you.

Sweet one, I think of you often and every time I see a pregnant woman I think about how big you would be. You were cherished and loved from the very day you existed, we could not wait to meet you and we still look forward to the day when we're reunited with you and your other siblings.
Even from this little picture your daddy and I could tell that you were beautiful and a masterpiece. Everything about you is amazing and you didn't want to leave my body. You attached yourself securely which was wonderful. Your poor little heart just wasn't formed quite right but you reside somewhere that is far better than earth. You will never know pain or sorrow. I will never have to wipe your tears away or pray for healing. You will always be perfect. What a wonderful blessing. What better place than to have a home in Heaven?

This verse often came to my mind even after your passing:
Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:16

You are a masterpiece, our precious Little Blueberry. Your life had a wonderful purpose and meant so very much to me. I wish so much that I could hold you and kiss your soft little cheek, but we will have eternity.

Rest in Abba's loving arms dear one and dance through the beautiful flowers.
 I love you more than words can express.

Mother's Day for the Ones Who Long

As the date of Mother's Day began quickly approaching my heart began to ache more and more. The longing and anxiousness of the unknown timeline of being chosen by a birth mom and of when would we actually bring our baby home, ebbs and flows, like the tide of the ocean. The emotions swell and crash down upon me and suddenly the dreaded day is here...

What would I say if someone asked if I was a mother? 

---I have four beautiful babies in heaven but according to earthly standards I may not be a mother to you. 

---My husband and I are expecting a baby but once again not in the "conventional" way, we are adopting and are waiting for the call to bring home our beautiful child any day. 

I was in fact asked this question and I told the truth, that I am a mother. My husband and I are expecting a baby through adoption and I have four beautiful babies in heaven. 

This day is difficult for so many that are longing and aching to have a child. Our Father is a creator and His desire is for us to create. I do not understand why some have been given the gift and others haven't but He has reminded me of a woman who also struggled with fertility and pleaded with the Lord to provide her with a son. Her name was Hannah. Her story is in 1 Samuel 1-2:11. The Lord had closed her womb but she remained faithful in prayer and was obedient and the Lord blessed her greatly. Her story gives me hope and I pray that it gives hope to those of you who struggle with fertility and that you know that He has a plan for your life. One that you cannot even imagine. Maybe the journey He has in store for you holds children from another's womb, one's who are beautiful and need a home. May you embrace this journey whole heartedly and hold on tight! 

So as you long and wait to become a mother this is my prayer for you: 

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Waiting

Waiting for something is such a difficult concept. We wait in line or for appointments impatiently and long for it to be "our turn". While waiting we often grow frustrated or upset, why haven't I been helped yet?

My husband and I have been waiting and longing for a child. Some periods are easier than others but God has taught me in this time of waiting to be thankful for all that He has given me and blessed me with. He has grown a great sensitivity in me towards those who also struggle with fertility that I would not have attained if my husband and I had not lost our own precious babies. He has taught me to rely upon Him during the darkest nights and that I can scream out to Him and beat on His chest and ask Him why He has allowed such losses. I have not come to a conclusion about why these things have happened but I do know that He has been faithfully by my side through each and every tragedy.

My husband and I have always had adoption on our hearts and January 1, 2016 we decided to fill out an application. We have been blown away by how quickly the process has been going for us and we are sure that this is the path that He wants us to take. After hours of paperwork and background checks our home study will be complete in a week. Our agency is in great need of couples and our wonderful social worker has contacted us asking for our home study so she can send out our books for a birth mother to choose us. We are thrilled to be parents and are shocked by how quickly things are going.

We know that this journey will not be easy and we may have a long wait ahead of us but we know that we must trust in His plans and rest in His arms.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10

So as you wait, know that you are not alone and that He has a plan for you, even though we may not always understand. May you be completely blessed!

New Beginnings

As the soft snow falls and covers the earth and cleanses and refreshes the brown muddy ground, our hope grows at the thought of new beginnings and ours souls being able to be made new. The year of 2015 brought much grief and questions about our Heavenly Father's perfect plans. Losing three of our four perfect blessings in 2015 rocked me to my very core. I had so much hope for our fourth child and even referred to this child as Hope, so the loss left me feeling very hopeless. Thankfully our Abba's plans are much higher and better than ours and He knows the whole picture when we only see a tiny snapshot.

My husband and I look forward to this new year and the plans that our Perfect Father has for us. We know that this life will not be easy but thankfully He has overcome.
"But take heart! I have overcome the world"~John 16:33

As I was contemplating the new year my precious Abba gave me this passage once again. He had given this passage to me for the 2012 new year. This is the year that I met my wonderful husband and my life changed and has been filled with more love and joy than I ever could have imagined.

Isaiah 61:1-3 The Year of the Lord's Favor
"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion--
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor."

In this time of new beginnings remember the One who created you and know that even in the hard times He will never let you go. He may not calm the storms around you but He will always stand right by your side and never leave you. He will comfort you as you morn and give you a crown of beauty instead of ashes, gladness instead of mourning, praise instead of despair. You are made new.

Long Awaited Child

As the season of advent begins, my heart is drawn towards those of the Israelites who were longing and waiting for the Holy Child. Through their persecution and desperation the Israelites trusted and held onto the hope from the passage Isaiah 11:1-10:

"A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse;
    from his roots a Branch will bear fruit.
 The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him—
    the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding,
    the Spirit of counsel and of might,
    the Spirit of the knowledge and fear of the Lord—
 and he will delight in the fear of the Lord.

He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes,
    or decide by what he hears with his ears;
 but with righteousness he will judge the needy,
    with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth.
He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth;
    with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked.
 Righteousness will be his belt
    and faithfulness the sash around his waist.

 The wolf will live with the lamb,
    the leopard will lie down with the goat,
the calf and the lion and the yearling together;
    and a little child will lead them.

The cow will feed with the bear,
    their young will lie down together,
    and the lion will eat straw like the ox.
 The infant will play near the cobra’s den,
    and the young child will put its hand into the viper’s nest.

They will neither harm nor destroy
    on all my holy mountain,
for the earth will be filled with the knowledge of the Lord
    as the waters cover the sea.

 In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his resting place will be glorious."

Our precious Blueberry lost at 7 weeks and 1 day (My body was 9 weeks pregnant). We lost another precious one right after Blueberry at about 4 weeks. 

My husband and are are suffering the loss of another precious child. Although these losses are significant and heartbreaking, we trust that our mighty Father will provide. We do not know or understand the timing or know how this will come about. His provision may not come from my womb but of another's. The most important thing I can stress to women who have struggled with miscarriages and infant loss is that each of these little lives matter. They have a purpose, no matter how long he or she was placed upon this earth. Each life touches and transforms the life of its parents. I am thankful to have carried each and every one of my children, even if it was only for a few weeks and my husband and I look forward to the day when we can meet each of our little ones in heaven. So we wait and hope for our loving Father to provide His blessed child and entrust him or her into our care. 

"Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be"

Psalm 139:16 

Path Unknown

Little life, so bright and new. Oh the dreams we had for you. Your little light burned out about a year ago, we wished so dearly that you would stay. We know God has great plans for you, not here on earth but in heaven which is so wonderful and grand, the greatness is too much for me to understand. We look forward to meeting you not in this world but in His  mighty realm, where we'll all be united again. Your sibling came to meet you six months later. In the beautiful gardens, where joy and gladness are surely to be found, as you two uncover the spectacular grounds.

Now, embarking on a new journey, the path is unknown. Marked with tests and treatments, the time frame is not my own. A whisper deep in my heart said "my timing is perfect, rest in me instead". So as we take steps towards the path He has led us on, I try to hold those whispered words close.  The journey may not be easy but He will always be holding my heart.

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art;

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,

Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;

Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;

Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Those that were Lost...

       

The silent little life disappears almost as quickly as it comes. The hopes and dreams for the future vanish with the life. 

Brokenness and pain remain. Longing for what was lost and the joy you hoped it would bring. 

The womb feels so empty after it has held life. 

Month after month praying and trusting. 

Suddenly you feel the spark of life again, but the flame is quickly snuffed out. 

Trying not to expect and hope each month. 

Letting go of dreams and expectations. 

Trying to trust in the One who guides my path and knows the deepest parts of me.

Who created me in my mother's womb, I praise Him for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I will continue to walk on this journey of life with my Faithful Guide.

I will know and trust in His love which knows no measure and His love is greater than any desire our hearts hold. 

"He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the Lord!"

Psalm 113:9